15 billion BCE - Created himself and the universe.

200,000 BCE - First homo sapiens to hit his fellow man over the head with a club.

2000 BCE - Took a piss on the side of a newly built pyramid. Was promptly executed.

1700 BCE - Graffitied the Code of Hammurabi and "Frisco rules!" on a stone pillar. Was executed again.

1200 BCE - Had sex with Helen of Troy.

950 BCE - Wrote a few books of the Bible. Negative reviews and low sales resulted in suicide.

600 BCE - Introduced the number 0.

450 BCE - Taught Socrates.

51 BCE - Pimped out Cleopatra.

4 BCE - Knocked up some Mary chick. Skipped town.

64 CE - Accidently burned down Rome with a Cuban cigar.

410 CE - Invited the Visigoths to his birthday bash in Rome.

455 CE - Invited the Vandals to his birthday bash in Rome.

521 CE - Got drunk and passed out somewhere in Sicily.

1347 CE - Woke up and ordered a pizza. Received a crate of flea-ridden rats instead. Freed the rats. Went to China to find some bourbon chicken and cheese wantons.

1492 CE - Threatened mutiny on the Santa Maria. Was thrown overboard.

1521 CE - Completed his conquest of Mexico. Celebrated by inventing the taco.

1773 CE - Dressed up like a woman and threw tequila into the Gulf of California.

1836 CE - Shot a bunch of Texans at the Alamo.

1914 CE - Popped a cap in Archduke Ferdinand's ass.

1920 CE - Enacted prohibition. Drank most of America's banned alcohol. Passed out.

1940 CE - Rode a tank, held a general's rank, while the blitzkrieg raged and the bodies stank.

1953 CE - Had sex with Marilyn Monroe.

1955 CE - Had sex with Marilyn Monroe again.

1969 CE - Invented the internet. Used it to communicate execution orders on hippies.

1980 CE - Shot JR Ewing.

1982 CE - Was born.

1989 CE - Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles rock!

1990 CE - Participated in the Great Vanilla Ice/M.C. Hammer debate. Aligned with Hammer.

2004 CE - Wasted his life on his infernal 1969 invention.

2036 CE - Became the first Emperor of the World.

2052 CE - Assassinated by his Praetorian Guard.

2122 CE - Killed every man on Earth. Began his repopulation plan.

2239 CE - Dropped dead from exhaustion.

Ignorance Exterminator

Plotting, scheming, laughing maniacally.